Apology. Change. Promise.

Dear Blog,

I realize I've neglected you for which seems to be an eternity, and I know we can never re-kindle the time lost, but I would be pleased if you will believe me when I say any future posts will be from a more respectable, self-reflecting individual.

I'd say it's been approximately one month since I've honestly been striving to be a better, or even good individual. For I'd say a little over the past year, and maybe toned down versions through other periods of my life, I've been a self-hating, envious, lazy burden to everyone who even had minor relations with me. Too often was I caught in an aggravated emotional state conjured by observation of others, many of which undeserving of it, yet I never dedicated time to understand why I seemed to contain this constant aggravation. Although I've decided many reasons stemmed from my behavior, the biggest player in the equation was my own self-hatred (a bet you didn't guess that one). Rather than improving my own self, I found it easier to vent my frustration upon others, and after time it became habitual.

As I've been writing to you I've been trying to remember exactly when I began this self-reflective behavior, and I believe now I've pinpointed it. I'd say a little over a month ago I was engaged in some thought about select people I was familiar with. All of these people seemingly possessed traits which I found to be highly admirable. Traits which included humility, ambition not drived solely by self-interest, and a respect for individuals even when some seemed undeserving of it. This began a series of thought which has changed my indefinitely.

Following those thoughts I spent many hours reflecting upon myself. I tried to answer questions about what kind of person I currently was and what kind of person I wanted to be. I tied in to those questions my fondness with the personality traits described above, and I proceeded to other questions. I began questioning what I believed my role is in this world, my morals, my self-intersts, everything I could think of about myself came into question, and ultimately every time I had to decide what fell into the realm of being a "good person."

Obviously the question remains, "What is a good person?" That was also among another question I had to solve. The conclusion I've come to, as of now, seems simple, yet a bit hard to explain concisely. My main goal is to simply aid in the bettering (it's probably frustrating with the unclear terms I'm using but it's the best I can do) of the world. The ways of which I'd like to help are still under questioning, as I'm a bit wary of implicating ideas which are heavily devloped from my own morals, but some basic principles like showing a basic kindness and respect for others are ones that I'm currently trying to practice.